30 (updated)

Thank you for the messages, prayers, and words of encouragement. 🙂

Lolo peacefully passed away at 6:05 p.m. today. He has lived a full and good life at 94.

Original post, 8/7/13 10:47 PM

I haven’t written much. Emotionally, it’s been a tough year: my lolo is dying of cancer, and even if we’re not close and even if I know he’s my only remaining living grandparent, I’m finding it hard to process my feelings about it. There are periods when I’m plunged in depression––seeing my lolo, seeing my mother go through it all––but then most of the time, I make myself numb.

His state deteriorated rapidly. At 94, he didn’t require glasses and he rode a bicycle to farm his land, two facts that were always a source of pride for the family. Then cancer made itself known, and now his sight has been reduced to light and shadows. His body is almost lifeless, except for the labored breathing and the occasional tremors of muscle spasm. His medication includes morphine and he fears the moving shadows that creep above his bed at nighttime.

Two weeks ago, our dog died. I last saw him more 20 weeks ago when I forgot the keys to my apartment and I had to go all the way to the family home to get a spare. We have a photo of our last night together: my head turned away from the camera; Chokichi staring directly at it, smiling as Samoyeds are wont to do. He was five.

3 thoughts on “30 (updated)

  1. Jill says:

    Tough shit happens J. You will learn how to let go when you're mentally, physically and emotionally ready. And you will be someday. Hang in there! *hugs


  2. Geosef Garcia says:

    Almost 10 decades of living is long enough… But I pray that he would leave this world in a peaceful manner rather than suffering. Death can make us tougher; it is one of life's way of shaping us up.


  3. Jessel Duque says:

    Your grandfather seems like he's lived a long and fruitful life. That is something to be proud of. I also lost my dog late last June, and it was sudden. Loss and grief are difficult emotions to process, and when I find myself in them, I just keep repeating, "This, too, shall pass." Hang in there.


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